The Baseball Desert

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Much Ado About Nothing

Scene: A meeting-room somewhere in the depths of FOX Sports HQ. Joe Buck, Tim McCarver and Ken Rosenthal are poring over a stack of papers.

Joe Buck: Guys - we need to come up with an angle for today's Red Sox / White Sox game.

Tim McCarver: What about a "Battle of the Sox" theme? I could work the whole "Battle of the Sexes/ Soxes" pun to death...

Joe Buck: Nah, we've done that whole thing before.

Ken Rosenthal: How about we do a hatchet job on Manny? You know, because of him not playing in the All-Star Game?

Tim McCarver: Yeah - we can do the whole "Manny being Manny" angle, and I can lament how it was all much better thirty years ago.

Joe Buck: But haven't we done "Manny being Manny" before as well?

Ken Rosenthal: Sure we have, but it's Manny - he's an easy target. I mean, we can't rip Bonds and Giambi and all the other cheating assholes playing baseball today, so let's go with "Manny is no shining example to today's youth."

Joe Buck: So the angle is what - "Manny is disrespecting the sacred All Star Game by declining to play"?

Ken Rosenthal: Not just the All Star Game, but all baseball fans everywhere.

Joe Buck: Erm, OK. But if we hold the All Star Game up as a sacred institution, don't we have to mention the totally farcical non-inclusion of a guy who through July 8 is hitting .388?

Ken Rosenthal: Well, what the hell do you expect if you let fans decide who goes to the game? They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Tim McCarver: But Kenny, weren't you saying at lunch that you'd been online to vote for the All Star team as well?

Ken Rosenthal: Erm, well, yeah, sure, but I didn't vote for Manny - I voted for A.J. Pierzynski.

Joe Buck: A true model indeed for young baseball players everywhere.

Ken Rosenthal: So we can't rip the fans, 'cos it's gonna make me look bad. How about we rip the network that's carrying the game and making the whole thing out to be some big deal? That whole "This time it still really, really counts - we swear to God" shit.

Tim McCarver: Erm, Kenny - that's us. It's a FOX game.

Ken Rosenthal: Oh, yeah. My bad, guys.

Joe Buck: So, we leave the fans alone, we leave the network alone. "Manny's an asshole" it is, then.

Tim McCarver: (chuckles) It'll be like shooting fish in barrel...